I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
