Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
