I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
