So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
