two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
