mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
