Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
