It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
