To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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