if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
