Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
