He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
