my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
no you cant smoke seaweed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
