the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they need to just BURY HIM!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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