yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
