Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
