so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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