the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
