dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
