i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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