He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
