Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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