Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
