My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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