I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
