You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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