And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
