It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my phone needs a breathalizer
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
