my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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