You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
