her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
