Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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