i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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