I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
