'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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