I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
