I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
