I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
