thus making me awesome and them whores
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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