Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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