I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
