Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
its liver damage thursday
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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