You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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