when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
