dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
