you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
