Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
