Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
