my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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