She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
